Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Shovel
*Lye
*Gloves

Cashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”

*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp

Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle

Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.

Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.

All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos

Happy Star Trick Day.

May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.

How many tricks you get today anyway?

Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”

How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?

The good news: She actually gave me her number

The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away

I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1

Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.

Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do

The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.

I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.

[on a first date]

“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”

I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.

I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.

When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster

Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.

Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids

My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…

[being rescued from a deserted island]

me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks

them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.

i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit

Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send

“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time

Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.