I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
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Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
I put the p in pants.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Pee pressure > peer pressure
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone