I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
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[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.
From the videos I’ve seen lately, I only need a few simple steps to renovate my kitchen:
Step 1. Come into a large inheritance
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting