Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him

How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?

texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her

One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.

I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.

Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…

crush: i really like music

me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*

[two years ago]

me: planet with the rings?

google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia

[now]

me: does italy exist

google: nope.

Tween and me: *arguing*

Husband: God, you two are just like each other.

Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?

Husband: *jumps out window*

“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”

*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter

“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.

No, it’s not what you think.

I just watched Hook.

*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”

her: the moon is so romantic tonight

me: how

the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey

me: h-[blushing] hey

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?

ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.

the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”

This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.

I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea

I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.

Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.

Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?

Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.

Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.

I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.

I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’

Establish dominance over your children by whining louder