Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!

Me: Aw thank y-

4: because you’re round

Me: …

4: and plumpy

Me: go to your room

My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.

[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.

‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.

ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?

“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”

~History

I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.

*Opens twitter*

*Sees Polio is trending*

*Closes twitter*

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.

I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.

Every day of school:

Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP

5 AM, every weekend:

Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.

NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?

Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.

We need to put an American base on the sun

my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?

People just like to argue.

People: No we don’t

Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.

Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.

Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?

Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence

Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.

Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!

[JOB INTERVIEW]

{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}

“What would you say is your biggest fault?”

San Andreas?

“Dad, what’s a forklift?”

“Food, usually.”

Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon

Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao

[taking the last bite of a big meal]

date: what would you like to do next

me: poop

for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas