I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
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All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.