Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.

If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.

“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.

Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.

Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?

Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.

FD: Well then-

FS: Don’t.

FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.

Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.

I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.

That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.

[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]

“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”

This will never not be funny to me.

Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.

Woman delivering my pizza:

I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.

If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.

‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product

my car accidentally drove to chick-fil-a again i hate when it does that

When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.

Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again

Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.

me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)

me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)

cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”

Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.

When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him

Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.

I was once killed by a shark escalator.

Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer

This could be the Alcohol talking but….

OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!

Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up

Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday

Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!

A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”

Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.

me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit

her: that’s not so bad

[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luck

her: I see