I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
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One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Aw man, but that’s the best part
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?