Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other

My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.

Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.

For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.

New word: Biscgret.

Meaning: The feeling when someone offers you a biscuit and you refuse, and you spend the rest of your time with them secretly wishing you’d accepted the biscuit.

I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.

Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]

Him: How did you get in my house?

Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata

When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.

Airport security: no liquids on the plane

Me: ok *starts drinking it*

Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo

I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.

I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.

Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.

Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.

If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will

-phone call-

Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye

me: my father fought in the war

her: which one?

me: I’ve only got one dad

GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn

“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”

Liam Neeson returns in…

TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED

(Summer 2015)

I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right

CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore

also CEOs:

My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”

Pray for me

Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?

Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.

Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”

Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”

[Shop class]

Satan: Whatcha makin’?

God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?

Satan: A bong.

Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor

VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)

Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.

Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty

Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?

There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.

Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it