I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
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BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
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HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Geez man, take it easy.
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thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
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When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
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“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up