Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”

3 AM

BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?

*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*

Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day

“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.

car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha

me: ok phew haha

*muffled screaming*

car salesman: 100%

I ain’t wearing no wire

Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.

Police: Pull over and stop!

Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?

Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!

Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!

I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.

Covid like

HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling

I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.

He was behind this terrible fence.

In my neighbor’s yard.

My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring

I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.

Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…

the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials

My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.

We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER

I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.

My kitchen overserved me.

[on a first date]

Her: …
Me: …

EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?

Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.

[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?

trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card

Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself

I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.

11: can I see one of your last tweets?

Me: *pulls up tweet*

11: no, I meant a funny one

I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.

Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.