I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
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6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
“Turn chicken shit into chicken salad” is a terrible saying. I still don’t wanna eat that chicken salad. It used to be chicken shit
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich