I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
You Might Also Like
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed
Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Sorry not sorry.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
how to have fun when you’re poor
If you drink enough tequila you’re just an open bar for vampires
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.