I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
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I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
returning to work after a holiday weekend like
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?