I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
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Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
I drew y’all a little something.
I found a doctor online and I was happy because I could sign up for an appointment without contacting anybody. Since 3:15pm yesterday, I have received 13 contacts from them for today’s appointment.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
guys I’m not able to take a screenshot of my spotify wrapped but it’s full of super niche underground alt critically acclaimed artists that none of you have probably ever heard of I pinky promise
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.