I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
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Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
*sewing*
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