I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
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Okay, that made me chuckle 😂
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
It’s on my to-do list.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind