I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
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Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*