Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour

Doctor: It doesn’t look good

Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet

Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!

[after the apocalypse]

God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver

Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man

[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]

One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby

Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.

my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?

Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.

MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.

I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.

“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”

To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 

Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?

“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.

I don’t eat some foods.

-vagueans

[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.

“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”

– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

‘…um….’

– the first cow ever milked

The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.

so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans

Doctor: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”

If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.

Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.

Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.

C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.

Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then