I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
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Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Me too, bag. Me too….
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out