I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
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Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
No way!
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
The man who makes the giant eclairs in our local patisserie is retiring next month. There’ll be some big chouxs to fill when he goes
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”