I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
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Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….
So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here