I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
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hey, alexa
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do