I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
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I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.