I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
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North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
If, I, want to, put, a comma, there, then, I will put, the comma, there.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?