I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
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me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die