I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
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Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Roombas should bark
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.
Placation.
every time i ask a guy where he got his sunglasses, their answer is like “15 years ago my friend found these on the ground and then he left them in my car. now we both own the sunglasses and we share them. this is my weekend with the sunglasses”