“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
You Might Also Like
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
When you find yourself walking on sunshine and realize you can’t trust Google Maps
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.
*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”