@ItsAndyRyan

“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”

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@mindintheshadow

My ex is looking for a job but I don’t think satan is retiring anytime soon so I suppose she’ll be unemployed for a while.

@funnyoneliners

I want my children to be independent headstrong people. Just not while I’m raising them.

@thedailymarker

My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.

@markleggett

People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit need to learn how to manage their time better. Wake up an hour earlier.

@mindflakes

People often ask me if there’s a good reason why I’m sitting in their birdbath, but there almost never is

@donni

*sees a shark in a homemade clam costume*
That’s a pretty dubious clam

@delusionaliam

If my calculations are correct, slinky + escalator = everlasting fun.

@TheToddWilliams

[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!