“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”

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My ex is looking for a job but I don’t think satan is retiring anytime soon so I suppose she’ll be unemployed for a while.


I want my children to be independent headstrong people. Just not while I’m raising them.


My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.


People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit need to learn how to manage their time better. Wake up an hour earlier.


People often ask me if there’s a good reason why I’m sitting in their birdbath, but there almost never is


*sees a shark in a homemade clam costume*
That’s a pretty dubious clam


If my calculations are correct, slinky + escalator = everlasting fun.


[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!