“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
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DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen