Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts

Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things

I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.

I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.

Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.

Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”

My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”

He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”

Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.

ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.

If we aint learned anything else this month. If there’s someone special in your life, tell them you love them, because you never know when the feds are going to indict them and execute a search warrant on their home.

Doctor: You have a disease

Me: Oh no!

Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise

Me: Oh no!

People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.

waiter: would you like a box

me: how is it prepared

Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.

A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.

“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”

A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.

My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete

Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.

I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.

My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.

I slept like a baby, knowing I’m a burden to everyone around me

I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.

Me: My dog has gone missing

Dog pound: What colour is it?

Me: Brown

Dog pound: Sex?

Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?

ㅤ

the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.

[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*

[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*

Understand men, or die trying.

Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.

Or tweet trying, to understand men.

Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.

My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.