Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Flirting]

I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.

Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.

Genie: One wish left

Me: I wish I was cool

Genie: Your wish is granted

⛄️: Wait not like this

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

🙂🙃🥹

Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.

Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.

I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.

Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.

Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfish

Fin

*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*

Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.

Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?

me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that

Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes

*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”

kids play hide and seek like

8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?

Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?

8: No.

Now I’m definitely going.

The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake

[Couples therapy]

WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.

THERAPIST: And you, sir?

ME: She’s always in a bad mude.

I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.

[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?

My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school

I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”

If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns

Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss

Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it

Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?

Me: What a beautiful language…

Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.