I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
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I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
I love twitter
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.