Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?

[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.

All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall

Lean in

And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’

if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”

Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?

Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.

Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.

Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.

Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!

They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.

I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.

Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.

When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.

Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’

I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.

[watching Tangled with my Daughter]

Daughter: dada

Me: yes?

Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?

Me: I mean-I do now.

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.

Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.

On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..

How hung over are you?

Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.

A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”

He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.

Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.

When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.

It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.

What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?

*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*

Me: Hey babe…who did this?

Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul

Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?

I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out