@joshgondelman

I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.

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@dorsalstream

Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”

@InternetHippo

*phone rings*
SATAN: Hey I bought your soul on Craigslist last week?
ME: No returns
SATAN: Please. It’s making me sad

@UnderTheJewFro

You can tell a lot about a person by the type of car they drive. For example, if they drive a Taxi, they’re probably a cab driver.

@good2go013

How to tie the strongest knot ever:

1. Put some headphones in your pocket.
2. Wait one minute.

Ta Da !

@GawdOffalTweets

just when I started to freak out I noticed the ghost that haunts my ensuite had written “don’t panic, you ate beets last night” with lipstick on the mirror and I am so grateful to have such a good friend

@stu_bot3000

My favourite species of birds are the ones named by people who clearly hate birds. (thread)

@thenatewolf

HER: it’s so romantic when the power goes out

ME: listen if we don’t eat all this ground beef we’ll have to throw it out

@iLikeCatShirts

Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”