I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
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A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?