@joshgondelman

I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.

You Might Also Like

@GirlRestrained

Hahaha stupid person… When it says 55mph it really means 64mph………Idiot turtle person

@FatherWithTwins

“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”

– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious

@dumbbeezie

Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?

@rustygunter

If it lasts 4 hours I’m not only callin a Dr, I’m callin everybody!!

@truegritrumble

My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.

@Cheeseboy22

My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.

@copymama

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

@Holy_Mowgli

[police station]

LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders

SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine

SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight

@KentWGraham

<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.

@continentlbkfst

funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one