I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
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If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier