I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
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Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
These are so Plastic Man-core
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Hello Twits.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
“You’re so funny!”
Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.