I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
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Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.