I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
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1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.