I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
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During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Can confirm.
My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?