Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink

I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.

A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.

My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.

I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.

boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA

[later]

cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary

*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*

Never judge a book by its cover…

Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.

*Day 9 of quarantine*

Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?

if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes

I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.

Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved

[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks

[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this

The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.

She mouthed “thank you.”

Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.

Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.

But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.

I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.

*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]

I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.

I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.

This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.

WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale. 
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*

If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.

Science.

Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.

I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.

Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.

The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.

He gets that from his mother.

FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.

Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:

1. You have something you want to do.

2. You write code to do it.

3. The code doesn’t work.

4. You fix the mistakes.

5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.

6. You fix the idea.

7. Goto 2.

Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.

5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story