I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
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Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.