I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
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I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool