Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me

Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER

Her: You’re so quiet.

Me: Thanks, you should try it.

Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.

me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it

My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.

Me: Want some trail mix?

Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.

Me: It’s homemade.

Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”

And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”

Parenthood has made me so mature.

My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.

I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.

[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good

Caught my son playing operation by himself and every time it would buzz he would say “now tell me where Batman is”

He’s going to be just fine

Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like

A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.

I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.

Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid

Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.

Them: Can you imagine jogging—

Me: No

Them: —in this heat

Me:

Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them

Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.

I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty

someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”

If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in

Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.

*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*

Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.

idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad

“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies

Me: so when will I actually receive the shark

Loan Shark: what

Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?

Me: Well how much does the position pay?

Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays

Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?

Boss: Then we won’t hire you

Me: What if I underestimate?

Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!

My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.