Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.

[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there

My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.

Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….

The thief is spending less
than my wife did.

And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.

Bromans 4:19

Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?

My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT

Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies

I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.

I can see how that would be whiskey.

Do you have to wine about it though?

Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.

My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.

Reviews of Hogwarts

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”

Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂

My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅

Can’t, The Thundercats need me.

One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.

[first date]

ME: so where are you from?

HER: I’m Finnish

ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]

HER: wtf?

Me: I’d kill for a donut

Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead

It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello

“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed

Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off

Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.

JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.

*stings person*

FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…

JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.

astrology is fake.

my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming

If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.

It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.

When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.

Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.