i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
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I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?