I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
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HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Saturday
Called it
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.
Me [aghast]: My child?
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.