Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.

Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.

I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it

Jesus: the bread is my body

Judas: *cutting carbs* I see

Frog: WAKE ME UP!

Snake: Wake me up inside!

[commercial for IKEA]

Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?

Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.

Me: what should I say instead of bull-

Wife: shhh say snake instead.

Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.

I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.

I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist

You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.

New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75

Never talking to anyone:

Priceless.

“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time

Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.

The 5 most important things to teach my kids:

1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count

Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING

I hope this email finds you-

Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close

send me a picture of a beloved item in your home

please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry

Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.

And also my car door.

Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.

Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.

The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.

Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY

Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds

My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.

I’m laying on the couch.

Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.

George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.

Happy for shogun. The show that dared to ask questions like “what if we have good lighting?” and “what if you can see what’s happening? Even at night???”

I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.

[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]

Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT

Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*

Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.

Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?