I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
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Who wants to be my Valentine?
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”