@Just_Beachy72

I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian

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@patnelke

My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.

@patsajak

I hope you understand how difficult this situation is for celebrities. Instead of being pampered and flattered by everyone, we are forced to sit in our homes just like regular people. Please don’t forget about us. Any kind words of support would be appreciated. #AdoptACelebrity

@DanMentos

ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing

@GrantTanaka

Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”

@wittwitbarista

I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.

@BiscuitFloater

I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.

It’s blood…I’m made of blood.

@JustDontBugMe

I wanted to buy your kid a drum set for her birthday to annoy you but she hates drums.

So instead I bought her a haunted porcelain doll that gets up and plays the drums at 3am

@shariv67

People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.

@UnFitz

I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?

@UnFitz

Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.