I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
You Might Also Like
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.