I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
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Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
You ever been to r/foodsafety? It’s literally just a hypochondriac circlejerk. Posts like “this chicken has been in a serving tray for 2 hours what do I do?” “Throw it out, it will kill your whole family!”
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Vishnu bud you’re gonna want to sit down for this
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.