I relate to a rooster because I also want start off my day by screaming.
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Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
so much oil in my hair rn america’s plotting an invasion
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Brat summer is out, attic wife autumn is in. We’re hissing at people. We’re withdrawing from society. We’re growing our hair below our waist. We’re setting fire to his curtains. We’re gaslighting his new side piece.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Twitter is evidence that insane people can be extremely entertaining from a safe distance.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.