I relate to a rooster because I also want start off my day by screaming.
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“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.
host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
i want enemies
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.