Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.

“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.

I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”

“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner

my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.

She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”

Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster

We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”

I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.

…or queso.

…or salsa.

…or dill pickles.

…or Jeff Goldblum.

…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.

I ain’t picky.

Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.

It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.

Fight fire with water. Idiots.

The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it

My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.

they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead

they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote

In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.

Coworker: What was your college major?

Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.

People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.

The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating

My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.

I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts

Turkeys are crazy.

They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.

Must be a safety in numbers thing.

We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.

I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.

Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.

Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am

I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.

If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.