I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
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Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
