Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[God inventing snakes]

What about a scarf that could kill you?

Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.

Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.

Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?

Mom: 27

Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from

[Funeral]

He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”

I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.

Send cake.

Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”

Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay

If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.

Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.

Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!

Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*

If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.

FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.

The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.

By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl

“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.

“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”

You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in

do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?

When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.

My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.

I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.

Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.

5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!

My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.

[First Date]

Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting

Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too

Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.

6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?

Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.

6: Yeah. By himself.

Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?

Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?

Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck

Me: Fine, don’t tell me.

I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.