Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE

Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO

2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.

Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away

There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx

Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.

Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes

Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes

Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE

Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust

Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.

14 called me an idiot today

No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child

I mean 14 people

{1st day as a correctional therapist}

Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-

Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*

Me: OF YOUR MIND

Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*

In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.

[coffee shop]

BARISTA: may i help you?

GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water

My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?

without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth

JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR

caveman: can I use some of that fire?
caveman who invented it: why?
caveman: im gonna burn glorg house down
caveman who invented it: no that’s arson

We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”

i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system

COP: License and registration please

ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs

Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”

I heard you like bad boys?

*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*

Sup.

All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets

My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.

[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*

[solicitor reading my will]

“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],

He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.

Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy

“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”

Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”

My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk

Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids