If it could be arranged, I would like to die by being waterboarded by a soft serve ice cream machine.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
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When women go to the restroom together that’s so you can make out, right?
U can call me childish but When me and my ex broke up I used to go to her house ring the door bell and run away for few months
her: what are you doing on your phone?
me: an update
her: what update?
me: not much, what up with you
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Girl, are your legs tired? Cuz you were running through my dreams all night and you did some amazing parkour & also kicked a judge to death.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.