@badbanana

I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.

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@CelebrityChez

If it could be arranged, I would like to die by being waterboarded by a soft serve ice cream machine.

@Tayallderdice

U can call me childish but When me and my ex broke up I used to go to her house ring the door bell and run away for few months

@daemonic3

[on date]

her: what are you doing on your phone?

me: an update

her: what update?

me: not much, what up with you

@squirrel74wkgn

I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.

*unscrews green bulb from porch light*

Ok, I’m done.

@fillthevacuum

Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.

@robdelaney

Girl, are your legs tired? Cuz you were running through my dreams all night and you did some amazing parkour & also kicked a judge to death.

@stewnami

They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.

@behindyourback

11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything