I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.

You Might Also Like


If it could be arranged, I would like to die by being waterboarded by a soft serve ice cream machine.


U can call me childish but When me and my ex broke up I used to go to her house ring the door bell and run away for few months


[on date]

her: what are you doing on your phone?

me: an update

her: what update?

me: not much, what up with you


I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.

*unscrews green bulb from porch light*

Ok, I’m done.


Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.


Girl, are your legs tired? Cuz you were running through my dreams all night and you did some amazing parkour & also kicked a judge to death.


They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.


11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything