I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
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waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
A recipe for laughter
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Saw online –
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Glorious 12/27 to those who celebrate.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles