Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down

Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor

4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …

6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …

Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?

My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.

If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009

I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out

Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?

NASA: have you ever built a space ship?

Reporter: well no bu-

NASA: it’s really hard

What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash

Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two

‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.

Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.

What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms

Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.

[marriage counseling]

Ginny- He always hides from our problems.

Therapist- Is this true?

Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.

Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”

…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”

Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.

This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.

It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back

priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]

I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…

…or a giant gorilla.

~Super Mario’s mom probably

Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.

“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”

[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care

Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”

Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!

I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.

*trying to ask a girl on a date*

Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?

Her: was- was that a mop?

I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.

Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.