Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.

me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?

her: wedding attire?

me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man

*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost

[ speed dating ]

Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.

Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.

Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*

Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!

I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time

Reasons to carry a handkerchief:

3) You’ve never heard of tissues

2) You’re doing a magic trick

1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train

Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve

Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.

Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*

Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.

“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”

-Sharks in Malaysia

My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.

It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.

If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.

Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk at work really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.

[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad

I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.

Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.

Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.

Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn

These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them

Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
follow me for more tips

People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.

The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers

People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”

Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?

(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*

My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.

Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.

Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.

Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today

Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.