I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
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From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.