Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.

Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.

My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.

[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?

Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home

What’s the opposite of coffee?

Sneezy.

what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen

what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.

[first day as a teacher]

me: today we’re learning the alphabet

kid: that’s easy

me: no it’s A-Z idiot

Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.

The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.

Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.

In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook

Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?

8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER

If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂

*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel

I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.

buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue

I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?

Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.

Today’s weather from Yorkshire

At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.

Wow your dad must be a rich man.

No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.

in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.

Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?

Him: Just flush him down the toilet

Me: Gotcha. And the fish?

Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it

[letter to vitamin company]

So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff