I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
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I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close