I rely on a little boy to tell me how I feel and boy, are my arms tired?

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Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary

Cop on other side: what is he doing


My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?


*during sex*

Him: Hurt me

Me: Your brother is hotter than you

Him: I…

Me: Not a big fan of the new haircut either


lol these ppl “don’t see race” right up until you start making beloved fictional characters black, then they’re 18th century anthropologists


I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi


ME *sees baby crab in stroller*: He’s so cute! I just wanna rip his lil legs off dip em in butter and eat them!

MOM CRAB *beaming*: thank u


I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff


“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious