@paulrobalino

I rely on a little boy to tell me how I feel and boy, are my arms tired?

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@psybermonkey

Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary

Cop on other side: what is he doing

@Storminika

My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?

@lipstickbrat1

*during sex*

Him: Hurt me

Me: Your brother is hotter than you

Him: I…

Me: Not a big fan of the new haircut either

@theshrillest

lol these ppl “don’t see race” right up until you start making beloved fictional characters black, then they’re 18th century anthropologists

@fuzzlime

I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi

@iamspacegirl

ME *sees baby crab in stroller*: He’s so cute! I just wanna rip his lil legs off dip em in butter and eat them!

MOM CRAB *beaming*: thank u

@IamEnidColeslaw

I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff

@RobDenBleyker

“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious