I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
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Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*