Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
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day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person