When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
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Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes