Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think my husband is psychic!

“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”

{from other room}
“You look great!”

The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.

Yes…

I retweet.

Isn’t that kinda the point?

Spread the love and shit?

Mostly shit…

But that’s your fault…

Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?

centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm

doctor: it’s okay I can fix it

centaur: agh I broke my leg too

doctor: *cocks rifle*

I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.

Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?

“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”

“Relax, grandma.”

*furiously knits a condom*

“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”

Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”

My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.

Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away

Me asks *my kid to do his home work*

My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?

When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”

The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.

Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?

thought we’d see more kids named goku by now

dark side of the loom

[invention of cap’n crunch]

satan: give them sugar croutons

Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.

Damn chess infection 😕

therapist: what are you afraid of?

me: nothing

therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all

dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?

me: yes

dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks

This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab

Something Saturday.

*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”

“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”

Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.

Not muting your mic is the new reply all

Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.

Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes

I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.

They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.

[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?

Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes

Boss: We drew those

Me: Another good theory