Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming

The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble

Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*

*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*

Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.

i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice

I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?

Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”

Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:

1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?

me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other

mime teacher: *thumbs up*

Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!

When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”

My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.

He’s not amused.

Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”

So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ

I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.

Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board

Me: I have a PhD in mathematics

Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack

Me: *nodding* that makes two

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.

I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.

My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.

lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair

Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?

Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.

ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid

A gym so fancy they call it a James.

[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]

Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?

Him: ya that’s fine!

*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*

Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe

I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial

Mario: you’re a dinosaur.

Yoshi: ok.

Mario: you can jump really high.

Yoshi: nice.

Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.

Yoshi: makes sense.

Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.

Yoshi: wait-what?

Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.

Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.

A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.

*waiter pouring wine*

Say when sir

*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*